can't stand ya.

if you have any question as to which school to attend, ask yourself just one question. do i want to hear presentations from world renown scholars and academics or do i want to meet famous people? if it is the latter, uvu is 100% the place for you. in the last year alone we have been the proud hosts of the family that the movie the blind side was based off of, the real coach boone from remember the titans, the real frank abignale jr from catch me if you can, the real coach carter, some guys that are pro legalizing of marijuana and most recently the real george costanza. yes JASON ALEXANDER! i saw him. at uvu. the place for you and anyone else who knows that the true value of entertainment will always outweigh intellect. so know that jas and i are tight {we spent 2 hours together} i figured that i had better tell you what you should know about him in case you happen to run into him at j-dawgs or sammies or monks or somewhere.

jason. 

1. weighed 220 pounds in the eighth grade.
2. first love: magic. don't ask him to show you a magic trick because he won't. also don't ask him to follow you on twitter...because he won't.
3. top three most watched shows: 3. colbert report, 2. family guy {boo}, 1. walking dead.
4. began acting based off of a lie {sound like anyone?} he told while flirting with a girl in the pool at magic camp.
5. first film was also holly hunter's first film and also harvey weinstein's first production.
6. claims that pretty women was a masterpiece made of garbage. meaning that it was made from outtakes. it was originally a totally different movie with a dark premise.
7. didn't think he had a chance getting the role of george sine the guy he was up against claimed to be jerry's bestie. so he went all out: wore thick ladies glasses and summoned his inner woody allen for his tryout. they called him right back and gave him the part.
8. doesn't have a favorite seinfeld episode but has a favorite george line.
9. greatest accomplishment: his kids {aw!}
10. HE ACTUALLY WEARS A HAIR PIECE because he had a full head of hair at the speech and i know for a fact that he's bald.

convinced that uvu is for you? you should be.
also, let it be known, seinfeld is the greatest sitcom of all time, past present and future.

GOOD!

i don't know how to react to negative responses to the "how are you" question.

how are you?

terrible.

oh...sorry.

the bearded elevator boy and a silent conversation.

here is the unspoken dialogue between me and the bearded elevator boy.

boy:  (appears to have been waiting for the elevator to reach the 5th floor of the library for quite some time now)

me:  (approaches elevator, proceeds to wait with boy.)

-2 minutes later-

-still waiting-

boy:  *sigh*

me:  (uncomfortable, yet understanding smile)  maybe i should just take the stairs.

-1 minute passes-

me:  (ignoring the stairs idea.  continues to wait, hoping that boy will calm down.)

elevator:  *ding*  going down.

-boy and i enter the elevator-

boy:  (presses 1* button.)

me:  (presses nothing.)

boy:  finallly!

me:  (nod.)

elevator:  *ding* 4th floor...going down.

boy:  *sigh* OF COURSE! (frustrated laughter.)

me:  (roll eyes.  trying to match boy's anger as to make him feel more comfortable.)

-2 janitors and an extremely tall boy with a UFO hoodie (you:  what the heck is a UFO hoodie?) enter-

elevator:  *ding* 3rd floor...going down.

-small girl with read hair enters and presses the 2 button-

me:  (glance at boy whose impatience might be the cause of his mental breakdown, here between the 3rd and 2nd floor of the uvu library elevator.)

boy:  (crinkles nose and death glares toward innocent ginger.)

elevator:  *ding* second floor...going down.

-girl with black and blond hair enters.  silly boy enters behind her-

silly boy:  is this going up?

-nobody answers-

-silly boy exits the elevator just as the doors are about to shut-

boy:  really?!

me:  (dedicated stare into the abyss)

elevator:  *ding* first floor...going up.

-everyone exits-

me:  (finally away from the most impatient bearded boy of all time)

boy:  so...midterms.

me:  yeah.  no time to wait for the elevator but time to chat about midterms...okay.

boy: i'll be done soon.

me:  that's good!

boy:  yeah.  well...see ya.

me:  bye.

moral:  take the stairs.  it's good for you in more ways than one.

why to NOT be an english major..

reason #1.

you will occasionally walk in on or possibly even participate in heated debates over what the best font is.

fyi:  serif font was the winner of yesterday's debate.

little letters. from my brain to yours.

dear taylorsville city,
isn't it about time you step it up?  west valley caught up to your greatness and is passing you.  really though, how many people are in the market for a soft marilyn monroe blanket?  i doubt it is enough to open an entire store, formerly known as blockbuster {may it rest in peace}, dedicated to them.  but maybe the jokes on me.

dear anti-uvu shuttlers,
ride at night.  with wendy.  she'll set you straight.  and drop you off practically anywhere.  and we'll have a mutual love.

dear uvu,
isn't it a little cliche of you to only hire english professors that are either:  a) use air quotes whenever they speak the word "truth" b) homosexual {not that there's anything wrong with that} c) believe that reading textbooks on a brand new kindle fire that was given to someone {me} for christmas that not only makes that person {me} look smarter but also hip is evil and killing the "aesthetic pleasures of turning a page."  because i doubt they say that in china...you know...the educational leaders of the world.  {not that there's anything worng with that...but there kind of is...for me...a kindle fire owner as of december 25th}.

dear carter mees {natalie's new husband...not as opposed to her old husband...her new and only husband for time and all eternity},
be careful.  the girl's got tricks.  also, you are the luckiest man in the world.

dear annonymous author of go as alice,
who are you?  really?

dear readers,
i will be better at blogging this semester.  i feel it.

ugly is a mater of opinion.

we went to an ugly sweater party.

{well we dressed up for an ugly sweater party and ended up singing our hearts out to smash mouth and third eye blind in windbreakers and scrunchies at a 90s party instead.}

someone asked me,

"did you find that sweater at the di last minute?  it's funny!"

i said,

"no.  i've owned this for a while."

merry december, friends.

the doors must be too close together.

i write like i am left handed and i got new black jeans.  because of those reasons i find myself washing my hands a lot.  but the only public bathroom i trust is the institute one.  only because i saw this cleaning schedule in the secretary's office and it looked pretty rigorous so i trust its cleanliness and safety.  well i trustED it.  today, in the women's bathroom, when i was trying to get my hands back to normal after dragging it across fresh ink repeatedly {fake lefty} and being in the near vicinity of black jeans {real life fool for not washing before wearing like requested}, i noticed that i was not alone.  there was someone in the stall behind the sink where i stood.  i was scrubbing away for a good 2 minutes, apt time for the other person to take care of business.  all it took for my heart to stop was for said person to walk from the stall to the sink.  because that person was a man, in an orange hunting hat and timberlands.  and i was {still am} a girl.  and we were in the same restroom!  we didn't speak {or scream...like i felt like doing}.  we washed our hands in silence, terrified and wondering who was in the wrong place.  that triangle skirted stick figure isn't enough for one of us. i got out of there as soon as possible and left enough time to check if was in the gender appropriate room.  i was.  he wasn't.  and it was the most seinfeld moment of my entire life.

how to be a hipster.

due to his dark rimmed prescription glasses glasses and his apparent appreciation for cardigans, my teacher is a hipster.

and he is teaching us {me directly and you by proxy.  proxy=me} how to be one too.

you know you are a hipster if you purposely speak of unknown bands, most commonly referred to as "underground".  you will then proceed to explain the band using this formula:

underground band = mainstream band that everyone knows about + a relatively known band in the indie scene + a band that you made up.

the conversation will end up sounding something like...

hipster:  so i discovered this really great, new band...

mainstream, follower, conformist:  really?  cool.  who?

hipster: well they're really underground so you probably don't know them but they are kind of a perfect mix of guns & roses, rostam, and uncle timmy's treehouse.

follower:  ...oh.  cool.  {more confused than ever before the conversation.}

so go and get yourself a hair feather extension and stop showering from now until maybe next summer because you've got yourself the best hipster conversation piece known to man.  all thanks to my teacher.

shameful promotions and the morning shift.

at work the other day, we were super duper slow.  since we all must've been in touch with our jr- high sides we began passing and writing notes.  good times, right?  notes quickly turned into poems, as they often do with me.  i wrote a little ditty about my morning shift.  so instead of being a FREAK and posting it all up on facebook, i promised to put it here.  my outlet for random thoughts that only a small population of the world are interested in.  

there is this girl i work with

so i see her every day

she goes by n. pakalani

and all she does is play

i wish i used "play" 

as if i meant with toys

but, oh no, that is mistaken

cause sister plays them boys.

enough about nelle, it's time to move on 

to discuss our good friend stu

i'll tell you now if you like sports

stu's found a friend in you.

don't be fooled by his power thirst

of by his angry side

unless you are a criminal,

his trust in you is lied.

you get it now that stu rocks

and often guards the mall.

but did you know that ctc is blessed enough

to employ a life-sized barbie doll??

kate is more than perfection

in fact, she's got it all!

brains and style and cleaning tricks

and a boyfriend who's quite tall.

speaking of height, do you know alex?

he's quiet, from orem, and taken?

his disgust for horror movies

is much like a pig's for bacon.

okay, i have a confession 

about our timid lamb.

rusty, though shy, is fantasitc

and formerly known as graham.

i'd tell you about cole, but you probably have met

and you are most likely friends on facebook

but if not, and you're blonde and from here

stop by!  he'll take a look. 

...maybe i should take a poetry class.  on second thought, maybe i should TEACH a poetry class.  maybe i will.

festively, i think there is a ghost following me.

i'll tell you 3 things and you try to explain them without coming to the conclusion that i have my own personal casper with me today.

1.  my zipper, inexplicably, remained down for the better half of my entire day.  that always happens to me!
2.  while in the library, i got in an empty elevator, pressed the "3" button and the ">/<"  button quickly {i hate riding in elevators with others...it just feels weird.  i know you agree.  even you, dad...the man who doesn't believe in awkward moments i guess}.  as the doors began to close, they suddenly stopped and rushed back open as if someone was trying to catch the elevator with me.  noBODY stepped inside so i fully expected to feel some sort of presence of my special invisible ghost friend, like tapping on my shoulder or a gust of wind, but this ghost obviously knows me, and my personal space issues, so decided to keep to itself as we rode to the third floor in silence.
3.  i can't seem to get rid of this ugly, hairy, black with a red dot spider that has chosen my mode of transportation as it's winter home.  and to me spiders=ghost presence.

go ahead, try to tell me that i am overreacting!  i'm not.

happy halloween.

from paige and sweetheart (i named my ghost.  anything other than toby is fine...)

college is hard.

i have been forcing my brain to perform
so 
many
magical 
tricks
this week.
all the twisting and turning
has turned my hair curly.
just one little piece of it.
one beautiful ringlet
right above my left ear.

weird.
and true.
and scary.

all at the same time.

an urgent update.

i know you are all DYING to hear whether they are or they are not.  well the verdict is in, as if i didn't already convince you of the true answer.

it is true.

well, half true.

well, i don't really know the ratio of the levels of truth but moving on...

my two literature teachers

are

their words

life partners.

that's what the kids are calling "married" today.

also, most of you want to know what it's like to go from math and science and that crap {concrete knowledge, facts, evidence, truth} to being an english major?  save yourself some money and just watch this video because it basically sums up exactly what sitting in an english/literature/abstract-nonsense-that-scrambles-my-brain-and {i can't believe i am admitting this}-makes-me-miss-math-equations-a-little-bit...class.

um.

um.

my teacher said "um" 117 times today. 

does that um mean that um she doesn't um know what she's um talking about?

um seems like that. 

a little bit.

it's about time you know how curious i can get about people, places, and things.

my excuse for being so silly at blogging is a good one.  one that might make me look like a stalker.  one that might prove that i could possible maybe might be a little teeny tiny mini version of some sort of obsessive freak.  maybe you will want to stop reading my blog altogether and call the cops and have me arrested for being a psycho {does that happen...sure}. but maybe not.  i hope betting on the "maybe not" right now.

do i have you hooked or what?  school really is paying off.

i haven't been able to do homework for a few days.  something has been filling up my time.  and that something is this question:  are my two lit professors married?

i couldn't get that thought out of my head.  it haunted my every dream.  i am just a curious person boarder-lining on obsessive.  but here are the facts...and try to tell me you aren't insanely curious after reading them.  well are they or aren't they?!

1. both teach literature.
2. both teach literature at uvu.
3. both teach literature at uvu on tuesdays and thursdays only.
4. both wear cool glasses.
5. both are young, hipster-y, urban-y kinds.
6. {here is where it gets weird} both went to school on the east coast.
7. both were editors on a literature magazine in college. 
8. both have this ---> {a} <---tattooed on their arm.
9. both talk about nip/tuck a lot.
10. both assigned ridiculously large textbooks with craziness written on the inside.

curious yet?

there is no other explanation for those similarities.  i've decided to tell myself and everyone else i know that they are in fact married {i even came up with stories about how they met and stuff like that} so that i can get on with my life and stop being so curious and crazy.

i would die if they ever were to stumble upon such stalkerness.  i'd have to drop out of school, move, and do nothing with my life in return.

now you know.
no hurt feelings if you are suddenly really really uncomfortable reading my blog now...

english is good.

i know i am in the right major based purely on the glasses worn by my professors.

summer '11: hard core.

school started yesterday.  it was good.  there was an angry woman in my class who complained about the teacher being late for the first 10 minutes of class...but that angry woman turned out to be my teacher.  she's crazy.  i am betting that i may be having a series of hilarity about her throughout the semester.  plus she teaches interventional grammar so that's good.
but before i start up those crazy uvu posts, let's reminisce, shall we?

top 10 summer '11 moments.

10.  jay-z comforting me while the east coast plane trip got bumpy.

9.  discovering my passion for hard core-ness in the form of bike gang.

8.  taylorsville dayzz never disappoints.  

and those m&m cookies added to the mix took it to a new level.

7.  deciding to participate in a triathalon {someday} and swim to my heart's content.  plus grandma's senior water aerobics really got my artheritis cleared up...wait what?

6.  peaches and creme fraiche quickly replaced "breathing" in my top 3 necessities for living.

5.  stumbling upon a yellow bike after months of searching.  she is now mine.  and she is my best friend.

4.  getting this awesome bruise while boating with my uncle mark that i tried to irritate for weeks so it would stay hard core forever.

3.  having audrey ask for my number.  actually, wait, i forced that upon her.  CALL ME GF!  too far.

2. molding young minds while picking up some new vocab. WHAT DI HICK!?!

1.  riding down a hill on antelope island during the moonlight ride.  every steep hill, mosquito bite, intense fear that i was going to be kidnapped buy humans or aliens, and the near dehydration scare was worth it for that giant hill that made my bike go 80 mph for realsies.

the end is near.

you know it's near the end of the semester when...
...you wear your shirt inside out and don't notice until you are putting your pjs on.
...the bishopric wives give you free baked goods.
...it's okay to miss things because everyone assumes you are studying for finals.
...you watch 3-5 movies a day.
...you eat 3 extra meals.
...you have zero energy or desire to blog since all you really think about is logarithms, examples of complete auteurism, health risk analysis, zooflagellate giarda, echolalia symptoms, what movie(s) you will watch after extensive studying, how you will sneak away from fhe to watch the new gossip girl, and how in the world will you survive with only bread and honey left in your "food storage."

this may be the death of me.
but, you know me, i love me a good finals week.

are you mad at me?

please will you please forgive me for my unannounced and lengthy absence please?

i know that since i am a future educator of america my life motto should be "no excuses" but let me tell you how hard my life is {whoa!  i just let a bit of my spanish soap opera show!} and continues to be. 

reasons why you should be grateful that you are you and i am me

1. my computer broke.  and if any of you have... a) lived away from home b) find large amounts of joy in youtube, fb, blogs, oh yeah and homework {joy and homework in the same sentence...yeah best teacher ever in the making right here} c) have technology addicted friends like i always seem to have who are their best selves while playing words with friends or learning more random facts via wikipedia or d) feel really bad when you are blogging at a school computer while another student is anxiously awaiting your spot.  and i can only imagine that they are in an urgent and serious hurry to finish their thesis or check their email to make sure their test results came back negative.  in which case i am a total disgrace to mankind....then you feel my pain.
2. spring break is over.  real life hit hard on the uvu front today.
3. my sister finally made that long awaited glide down the airport escalator but where do i spend my time now that she is home?  here.  at a uvu library computer feeling like the largest traitor in the room for updating my loyal bloggyboos on my oh so intriguing life, as a small asian girl with grey jeans and a blue backpack paces up and down the isle to the side of me, chanting "why why why!  i need a computer so i can email obama and tell him that i have found a way to solve world hunger!"

so on that note, i have to get out of here. i'll be back soon with my normal stories that make you wish you were me.  bye.

appointed watcher of tests aka me.

i like my job.  i like that my shift is really funny and that we are so good at our job and that we practice fire drills and are prepared for the worst of the worst, thanks to the fire drill that took place monday, freaking everyone else who wasn't in on it out. one thing that i used to struggle with in my job was proctoring.

proc.tor

[prok-ter]

-noun

a person appointed to keep watch over students at examinations.

at first, i had a really hard time staying alert and keeping a proper proctoring eye on these sneaky little cheaters.  i just had to find a way to entertain myself.  and here is how i did it...

• celebrity lookalike

you all played this a while ago when facebook commanded us to change our profile pictures to a picture of our celebrity lookalike.  except i am more brutal with my matching.  i am not afraid to tell a student {completely inside my head, of course...which is most likely explains my confidence} that they look like mickey rourke or tilda swinton.  you would be suprised how many steve buscemi lookalikes are lurking about.

• match maker

first i check their ring finger.  adultery is not acceptable, no not even in my little game inside my head that i play silently and alone while proctoring.  only singles, or weird married people who don't wear their wedding rings, get to be matched up.  sometimes, only if they match someone so perfectly that i almost consider telling them to make it happen in reality, i plan their wedding.  i'll imagine the bride on say yes to the dress and i will pick the perfect color scheme for the groomsmen.  and when i get trapped inside the testing room because one of the other employees is either trying to get back at me for something or they forgot i was in there {you would be surprised how often these things happen...to me} i will even go on to picture what their children will look like.  i am getting really talented at these things.  and i might maybe may have shared just a tid bit more information about myself than absolutely necessary.

• hair

if it is a really slow day with unique, non celebrity lookalike students and no possible matches to make, i resort to this.  i ask myself "what if the latino guy in desk 201 traded hair dos with the ginger girl in desk 224?"  it is slightly humorous.  but then again, what isn't when you are trapped in a white wall room that is dead silent and nobody is there to talk to at 8 in the morning.  for me, most things are humorous in said situations.

fyi: now that i am almost NOT a teenager anymore

i have given up all game playing and

have put that energy towards

catching cheaters and other sinners.

kinda like cops and robbers...

my life is like a soap opera. a spanish one.

you remember evelyn, right?

well, watch this...

i don't have to understand spanish to know that this is evelyn and her bf adam in a nutshell.
seriously. like this is scary familiar.


sidenote: 
normal conversation with evelyn...
me:  hey ev.  how are you?
ev:  girl.  you don't even know. 
me:  what?
ev:  i am just so over it right now.  like i am so over it.
me:  what?
ev:  girl you don't even know, like i am so over it.
me:  oh.

bless her.

lolzz!